I've heard there are usually two common situations people have with in-laws after a baby- either it brings you closer together, or creates an even larger rift. I'm the latter. From the very start I never had a great relationship with the MIL, but I think it worked because we didn't see each other that often. She lived in NY, and I lived in MN. Problem solved. Then she moved out to MN right before the hubs and I got married. I still didn't see her that often, and it continued to work. Now that we've had Tegan (who is the first grandchild on the hubs side) we see her a lot more often, and this is where I'm reaching my wits end. To make the problem more complicated I'm not comfortable letting the MIL babysit because of a host of mental, and physical problems.
I know there's not a lot of people who read this blog, but the few out there that have past by, I NEED help. I'm reaching out for advice, even if the opinion is "Get over it". I don't know what else to do but at this rate somethings going to need to give. I can't make it another 18+ yrs like this.
Here's the situation- she calls the hubs on a regular basis (meaning weekly or several times a week) asking for a time to see Tegan, and emails me usually once a week asking for time to come by during the week. She pushes constantly for chances to babysit (that's actually what she asked for for Mothers Day which irritated me to no end). Whenever she hears someone else babysat, even if it's the hubs taking time off work, she blasts us for not having her babysit. When we do have her come by, she pressures me to let her do special trips with Tegan like going to the mall or taking her out in her stroller for a walk. And when we do tell her 'No' to something she has to know why, and will revisit the topic several times for answers.
What we've done so far- before Tegan was born we explained that we were not comfortable with her babysitting so not to expect that. We've told her several times to back off a little, and she does for a little while but starts pushing again before long. The hubs confronts her on a regular basis when she gets out of line, like explaining that we don't have to have a reason for saying 'no' but that she needs to respect our decision. The hubs has really done a great job running interference so far but it's still getting to be too much.
So what does the cyber-world say? Is there anyone else having similar problems? And how did you make it work?
I'm so sorry about you MIL issues. I wish I had some advice but I don't. Mine has been making me crazy for over 16 years now and my husband usually doesn't do much. Every now and then he'll intervene but then she thinks it's all my doing and it makes things worse.
ReplyDeleteI haven't mentioned this on my blog but my mother-in-law is bipolar and while I know she's on medication, it seems to make her lashing out at me even worse at times. I've also been very uncomfortable when she visits and wants to babysit my 2 yo but it's more that she's so oblivious to things so I worry about my daughter's safety in that respect.
It sounds like you and your hubby are doing everything you can. Hugs to you!
Elle thanks for the comment! I have to admit- I stumbled upon your blog because of a post you had about some of your MIL issues. I haven't had to deal with anything even nearly as over the top as your MIL (BTW I'm SO sorry you have to deal with all that!!), but I can certainly relate.
ReplyDeleteOne of the MIL's problems I eluded to above was Bipolar with a few other fun things thrown in. I'm curious how you deal with letting your MIL babysit, or telling her she can't. Any advice on that front?
The times when my MIL visits and wants to babysit, my husband just tells her thanks but we already have other arrangements even if we don't. I always feel like it's more important for him to tell her than me since it's his mom.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't stop her from asking but we don't have to deal with it that often since my in-laws live in Texas and we live in California.
One time when we were living in D.C. and my daughter was about 6 months old, my mother-in-law was insisting on taking my daughter to the National Zoo. My in-laws lived in the D.C. area about 30 years ago and she was saying she knew her way around (but it was 30 years prior!). I just didn't feel comfortable at all with having her take the hummingbird somewhere without at least one of us with our little girl.
Both my hubby and I had to be firm with my MIL and she wasn't happy about it. We were just honest and had to keep telling her that we're not ready to have our daughter out unless one of us is there too.
I was talking to my mom about it at the time and she said I have nothing to feel bad about since it's my daughter so I have every right to say whether or not she can do something and who's around her. xx